Sometimes I afraid to stop. I feel if I stop moving, then I'll stop living. I see the health deterioration with my mom and it scares the hell out of me! But then again, I do so much for so many, I do want to stop. I'm torn. Torn between taking time for me and doing things for others and not slowing down. If I slow down, I will die. My day yesterday for example.....
Take my daughter to school. Go to work. Arrange for my dad to come over and look at my daughter's car. It's acting up and she needs to drive back to school. Work. Daughter comes up to visit with me before she heads back to school. Her car won't start as she is leaving. My dad did come over and put transmission fluid in her car, which now I owe him $10 because he paid for it and my daughter did not have cash on her to pay him back. She only had her debit card. I told my dad to pick her up first and she would pay for the fluid, but NO. Anyway, now she is up at my work and her car won't start. Before she is heading back to school she was going to run practice clothes up to the high school for my younger daughter. Now I'm texting the dance team coach to tell her that Jenna's clothes are on their way, but may be a little late because Tabitha is having car problem. The stress begins to build. I have Tabitha take my car to fun the stuff down to Jenna and hopefully when she gets back at 4:30, her car will start. She gets the clothes to Jenna and returns back to my work a little after 4:30. I'm praying her car starts because I have so much stuff to do after work with my younger daughter and other errands, I DO NOT have time for Tabitha' car problems or have time to drive her all the way back to school, 3 hours away! Her car starts, hallelujah! She's off back to school. I race home to grab a few more tampons. Oh yeah, did I mention I've just started my period and couldn't find the ultra size tampons, so I'm using super plus ones and am having to change like every freaking on hour since my first 2 days of my period anymore are like I'm bleeding to death. And I wore white pants, probably not the smartest choice of clothing for the day, but I looked nice. I kept from overflowing and staining my pants all day until 11pm at home, but I'll get to that later. I literally run into the house, grab some extra tampons and right back out the door. Jake is home, but I don't see or talk to him, he's in his room. My first stop before I went home was to the credit union. Had to get there before 5 to withdraw some money out of Jenna's account to pay myself back for paying for hair color job the day before. I get there 10 minutes til 5. I get my little cylinder thing up to the teller. She sends it back for me to sign the receipt and tells me she'll have my money right out to me. I send it back. The clock strikes 5 and the bank closes. I don't have my money. I buzz the teller. She tells me they are closed, what can she do for me. I tell her, I hadn't received my money and I was afraid they forgot about me. Yep, they did. At least she did apologize. Geesh, talk about short term memory. After grabbing more tampons, I head to Shop 'n Save to pick up mine and Mike's prescriptions and drop off a couple more of my own. Mine is ready, but Mike's is not. I text Mike and tell him his should be ready the next day. Now I head to Madison to a little store I've never been to in order to pick up a few more things for Jenna for her Welcome Back Rally. She needed an orange flower, bandanna and anything else I could find. Granted, I've already purchased her 2 shirts, socks, nail polish and she got some stuff from her Dance Sis, but she needs a few more things. I'm deep down in Madison, 3rd street. Madison is not the same as when I grew up there. It's just a bit scary now. 1 step above East St. Louis. I'm driving around looking for this place all the while nervous about the type of people I'm seeing. I find the store. Some little beauty supply shop that caters to the African American population ran by an Asian woman. I find an orange flower and bandanna, thank God! I get a few little things, which Jenna doesn't even wear, but oh well. My next stop is to my mom and dad's. I told my sister earlier this week that would be by Thursday around 6 for them to look at Jenna's TJ's pizza order. She, well I, am selling TJ's for dance team. I guess my sister forgot I told her that and she calls me earlier wanting to know what time I will home so she can come over and make their order and have me help her re-write a paper for her English class. Of course, she just wants help with her paper, because none of them ever just "come over" unless they need something. I remind that I am coming over at 6, but she can come over and I'll help her with her paper. I should be home around 8:30pm. I sit at my their house for about 45 minutes and then I'm off to pick up Jenna from dance practice. In the meantime Jake calls me to ask if a girl can come over to help him "study" for his math quiz - whatever. I say "yes". At least he called. Maybe I made some head wave with him. Ok, I've got Jenna. She looks exhausted. This welcome back routine is tough and she's getting pretty banged up during practices. Lisa Dean, another dance team mom, is calling me and wanting to know if we have blue socks and a blue bandanna she may borrow for her step son. I tell her I'll look when I get home, around 8:30, and let her know. She says she'll come over and get them. At least she didn't ask for me to deliver them. Jenna and I go eat at El Torero. I'm wanting to relax, eat, have a margarita and a conversation with my daughter. I've also been texting people that have ordered TJ's, but still owe me their money. I slow down just a bit to eat and talk with my daughter. Lisa calls me and wants to know if I have found the sock and bandanna yet. I tell her I'm not home yet. I should be home at 8:30 and I'll look and call her back. We eat, we talk. Dinner and conversation are good. We leave, it's about 8. Still have one more stop to make. I need to stop at Walgreens and pick up some hair color and few other things for myself. We leave Walgreens at 8:30. I call my sister and tell her we are on our way home. While in Walgreens I get like 5 text messages. I need to make yet another stop at Jennifer's house to pick up her money for her TJ's order. We stop at her house on our way home. We get home and my sister is pulling up. Jake and his friend are leaving. I help re-write Nicole's paper and add more details. Yes, I'm practically writing this paper as I'm typing it. During all this madness, Mike is texting me and wanting to know if I want to go down to the Mexican club for drinks and chicken wings. Yeah right! Like I have time for that! I was thinking about trying to fit it in so he didn't feel dissed. While helping Nicole with her paper, the door bell rings. It's Lisa Dean! Shoot, I forgot to look for the stuff she wanted! Now Jenna and I are frantically searching. We find a blue bandanna, but cannot find the blue socks. We search her room, Jake's room and Tab's room - no socks. She leaves and go back to the paper. Jenna goes to bed. Finish the paper. Nicole stays until almost midnight talking. I know she needs to vent. Living and helping my mom and dad is not easy. While we are talking, I put away the dishes from my dishwasher, load up the dirty dishes, make Jenna's lunch for the next and pick up in general. Now is when I feel myself bleed through my tampon and I rush to the bathroom and sure enough, I have two little blood stains on my white pants! I change into my bed clothes, rinse out my panties and pants and rejoin Nicole in the kitchen. She leaves and I collapse in bed. I am wired and can feel the stress in my body. I light a relaxation candle and fall asleep. I figure Mike will blow it out when he get home and he does. Not sure what time he got home, but it was after midnight. He slept the night out on the couch - oh well, his snoring would have drove me nuts anyway especially after he has been drinking. He came to bed sometime this morning. Now it's Friday and I get to start all over again. It was an exhausting night, but I got it all done. I'm sure Mike is upset because I didn't make it down to the club, but I just couldn't. I had to wash Jenna's shorts for today and make sure they got in the dryer. Yes, she could have done it herself, but......I have a high school football to attend tonight to watch Jenna dance at halftime. My cousin Melissa is coming over to go with me. I think she's really coming over in hopes that I have her special order, which I don't. I'm the middle person for her wants and now her brother too. I'm trying to make too many people happy and losing myself in the process. To recap the people I tried to please yesterday.....Tabitha, Jenna, Jake, Nicole, Lisa Dean, Mike, Melissa, Jennifer, am I forgetting anyone? Oh yeah, myself! My plan for tomorrow will be mostly about me! Plan to take Jenna to work, color my hair, take a shower, get a pedi, shop a little for myself and maybe catch a movie. That's the plan, we'll see how it works out. I complain about all this stuff, yet if I don't do this, I don't know what else to do and I'm afraid of becoming dormant. I need this adrenalin to feel alive, but maybe a little less every now and then.
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